Grace, Growth and Gratitude: lessons on the journey
It’s a cooler day on the island and I’ve found myself in a varied place as we step through November.
Busy with responsibilities, in a way that feels productive and kind. Thoughtful with reflection, as I begin to do what I always do around this time each year—
Slowly take stock of what the past eleven months have brought and contemplate the changes rendered as we begin the initial stages of descent drawing us closer to the conclusion of another calendar year.
Truth be told, I haven’t always liked the lessons the past couple of years have brought, but I am trying to embrace and integrate them, so I can move forward with the wisdom learned.
When I moved to Kauai years ago, I thought I was open to the possibilities of what life may hold, but I still arrived with boxes of ideals and rose-colored expectations. Hopes, dreams, and attachments to the narrative of what this new chapter in life might be about.
I was searching for reinvention and understanding myself beyond my long-standing role as a psychologist in Alaska. I remember feeling stuck in the grooves of life back then, and when I read back through old poems and writings, I can sense the restlessness and hunger for growth inside of me.
I was seeking more creativity, more spirituality, more intuition, and a more free-flowing existence.
I now know I was seeking all that lay unmet in myself. Untapped aspects of potential that couldn’t be accessed in the life I’d created.
New ways of being and an inner world filled with a richness that could only be tapped into through acres of solitude, time in nature, and unstructured soulful space to dream, create, receive, and be.
I needed to loosen the boundaries of myself and release the identities that structured me in place to become freer, bigger – more myself.
Kauai was a brave, bold leap into the unknown. Beautiful. Soulful. Frightful. Life-filled. Confusing. Undoing. All of it alchemizing into a new becoming of self through the whole of the journey.
In reflection, I can say that I didn’t fully realize what a gift those first formative years on the island were. I think some things in life are just this way. We must first experience them and embody them simply by living them.
Sometimes the demands of the moment prevent us from fully feeling and grasping how sacred a moment is. Often, it’s not until afterward that we can fully appreciate its bright quintessence.
At the time, I tried to find gratitude and savor the moment, but I struggled with my questions of self and often got caught up in feelings of disillusionment, disappointment, and frustration that my vision wasn’t manifesting more quickly or clearly.
I’ve often thought that if I could travel back in time, I’d tell my slightly younger self to just keep breathing. Just keep appreciating the opportunity to wander and lose herself and unlace the old ties that once bound and defined.
I’d remind younger me that this was an utterly unique time in her life and that she’d likely never make a move again where she’d choose to blindly follow her heart without worrying about practical matters like housing, or career, or finances, or future planning.
Mostly I’d tell her to get extremely comfortable with cultivating the qualities of patience and adaptability. That the world was going to change dramatically in front of her eyes over the next seven years, and she’d find herself changing too.
I’d tell her not to take it so seriously while still putting the best of her heart into it, and I’d tell her to work on releasing her attachment to how she thinks her life should look, so she is better able to stay open to what does show up and present itself.
Or maybe I wouldn’t tell her any of those things, so she had the space to discover them for herself. Make the mistakes she would inevitably make. Then find growth, grace, and gratitude through the process.
We can’t go back and undo the past, though it’s strange how much we try as we mentally cycle back to old wounds and unfinished business and half-healed hurts.
As if we think about them enough, we can somehow have a do-over in our mind or discover a stunning insight that frees us to feel more peaceful in the present.
And yet, sometimes the act of learning to be peaceful in the present is as simple as choosing to redirect our focus and remember that life is meant to be lived moving forward in the light and not in the shadows of what lies behind.
We understand our journey through the lens of reflection, but there is no true life in that space. Just fragments of who we were. Dust bunnies, debris, and occasional treasures collected from the attic of forgotten selves.
Whenever I find myself wandering too long in this terrain, I remind myself to appreciate what has come to pass. Certainly, to learn from it, grow from it, and honor it as a part of my totality of being.
Then let it go. Be here in this moment. Look for the gems of life happening now. Appreciate them, because the wisdom gained through the passage of time keeps teaching me to continually try and slow down and savor these moments of becoming.
This is where I find myself in these present days.
Learning from my past. Teaching myself to appreciate the present and pursue contentment with relentless intent.
Insisting on the joy found in the mellow sunrise, seasonal rains, and crash of the ocean heard through my window at night, as only happens this time of year when the waves are high and mighty full of themselves.
Revel in the opportunity to grow through year forty-six and understand my relationship with the world around me and the greater universe in new ways.
To listen to my heart beat a new song of home that continues to shift and sharpen in clarity of intent, even as I keep being taught to soften and let go.
To ask and demand much from the wellspring of my life, even as I’m continually learning to receive and allow life’s waters to rearrange my attachment to how I think things should be.
To move with focus and acuity. Breathe with fluidity and ease. Work with the paradoxical tensions of life’s contradictions.
Be in this moment in all my oppositions and opposites. Under a bright November sky, finding growth, grace, and gratitude for the process.
If you enjoyed this post you might also enjoy Let It Be Messy or The Red Paint of Reinvention.
Or for more on the topic of Grace, Growth & Gratitude, you might also dip into this recent episode from the Your Heart Magic Podcast.
Last, if you’re loving the spirituality and heart wisdom vibes and want to stay connected, you are welcome to sign up for my free newsletter Akashic Magic where I share monthly wisdom from the Akashic Records to inspire our light.
