Revolving Door

Change is the way of life. I try and stay open to it and let myself unform and flow and let go, though it’s not always easy and sometimes resistance creeps in at unexpected times in unexpected ways.

Our upstairs neighbors moved yesterday- we rent the downstairs of a giant home up in the hills of Kauai and they rented the upstairs.

Though we had a few intersections in the almost year we’ve been here, we weren’t close and sometimes I found their noise disruptive. So I found myself surprised by a sense of sadness and loss that I didn’t understand or expect when we watched them drive off last night.

On to a new life in a new state for a new job.

As I’ve reflected on my feelings I’ve considered that they were our first neighbors on the island, and I was used to their presence, routines, and sounds. There was a sense of pattern and familiarity to things. Sometimes there is a sense of loss when something familiar changes.

And new neighbors means new and unknown presence, routines, and sounds- and the unknown is always hard.

Also, I realized that the knowledge they were leaving, coupled with watching the movers come and go, all while empathically sensing the neighbor’s stress, sadness, and excitement, time warped me back to a year ago in Alaska when we were getting ready to move here.

All those feelings of leave-takings and goodbyes and the complete surreality of closing down Anchorage life rose up, leaving me with a soft sense of nostalgia and a wistful longing. Read More


Don’t Look Back

These days, these days right now- they are our better days. I know it doesn’t always feel like it. I know that betimes it’s very difficult to find the good and to find the gifts.

I know that, and I often live that difficulty, relieved to fall asleep at night and simply be done with the day when something’s been particularly hard.

But I’ve wondered many times what my brother would have done differently had he known that we wouldn’t be traveling into our 40th decade together, and that he’d leave at 39.

What might he have tasted more of. Enjoyed more of. Laughed at more. Appreciated more. Cared less about. Let go of easier. Found higher perspective on.

How might he have shaped his path differently? Read More


Following the Flow

I just lost a power struggle with a bunch of mosquitoes while sitting out on the lanai trying to write.

They started biting, I resisted; they kept biting, I persisted; and then I realized my foot was itching with a good number of fresh bites, so I threw in the towel and bid a hasty retreat indoors.

Mosquitoes are definitely one of the items on the list of “Things One Will Never Win Against In A Power Struggle.”

Mac & Cheese, a dog’s liquid I love you eyes, going to bed “on time” when I’ve started a really good book, and Life are also on that list.

As for the latter, I have been thinking about how Life is a powerful force all its own. We never know what direction it will take us, it has a way of unexpectedly moving us along, and trying to fight its currents only leads to tired, waterlogged limbs.

Sometimes Life doesn’t always feel like it’s on our side, but I choose to see it as a benign force.

At times absurd, sometimes nonsensical, sometimes seemingly unfair, but even in those moments, I will never win in a power struggle against it. In fact, the more I struggle, the more I will create discord and disharmony inside of myself. Read More


Trees And Wings

I just saved a poor bird from the clutches of my cat. Though the sad creature did get clutched before I freed it, so I’m hoping at the very least if she doesn’t make it, there is peace and trees at her end, instead of my kitty’s tormenting face.

I have a soft heart that always weeps when the cat catches prizes, even though she is just doing what is in her nature. But nature can be complex and hard, and it doesn’t always come with happy endings.

Just like being human. Complex, hard, doesn’t always come with happy endings; we do the best we can with what we’re given. I often still shake my head that the ending that came from losing my brother is the same beginning that has me sitting here writing these words.

I’ve been swimming the seas of life’s complexities lately, as I’ve continued to dive in and edit up my next book. Loss, loneliness, finding oneself, the uncomfortable nebulous space of not knowing how it’s going to turn out. Goodbyes, transitions, personal change, the perspective from the inside of the cocoon:

If we are all in the process of transforming and growing our wings, then people don’t often talks about the in-between stage.

Where you don’t know how, so you have to live the change, trust Life, figure it out as you go along… Read More


Endings and Beginnings

I finished my book today, Transformations of The Sun.

I know an ending when I write one, and after I wrote the last words and went through the final section- reworking, reordering, recalibrating- I realized I had finished my 122 passages for my next book.

I started on March 11th, finished on April 22nd with 122 passages and 177 pages. These are auspicious numbers and the kinds of angelic synchronicities that always make me smile and help me know I’m on the right path. The page number will change in the publication process, but for today the double 7’s feel double lucky.

The creative process continues to astound me.

I sat dead in the water for most of December through February, trying to find a stirring wind to blow me in a new direction, trying to make a paddle out of my own hands, usually giving up and just taking a nap instead.

It just wasn’t time; sometimes we do have to push through our own sense of procrastination, but this wasn’t one of those times. I wasn’t procrastinating, I was gesticulating and germinating something inside of myself who needed a bit longer before she was ready to come to fruition.

Her presence surprised even me, as I was looking in a different direction and had no plans to write this particular book. Read More